I have a child that is almost 26 years old. So I guess he is no longer a child. He has been thru a lot over the past 10+ years. He is on his own with no money, nowhere to live, and he expects others to take care of him.
I have Done everything I can do for him. He is wearing me out. I think he is wearing out everyone he comes in contact with.
I realize he needs family support, but he has burned a lot of bridges along the way. I wish I could go into all the details.
All I can say is that he is alone in the world, and he is struggling to find his place.
I feel for him. I dont know how to help him, or not help him.
Any advise would be welcome. If you have a question just let me know and I will try to answer it.
Thank you in advance
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Really Neat Things
I am...
- Jewel
- I Love Candle Light, and beautiful things. To support my habit, I sell Partylite Candles, and in my spare time I work in the Medical Field. I live in Colorado and I have two grown sons.
6 comments:
This is a subject for me, and I'll try to keep it short.
Children that do things that we don't approve of or like, can certainly burn bridges.
I saw our parents struggle with our sister who made really destructive choices in her life, that was a catalyst for change and upset, that has radiated for years, and well beyond her generation.
I am sorry that you have had such a time with your son. Sometimes I wonder why such confusion and hardships even exist. BUT, sure enough they do, and how we deal with them, is what the real challenge is.
Advice. It is always easy to delve out advice, when it is myself that doesn't have to follow through with it.
Sometimes, I think we have to do that HARD things, which put us in uncomfortable positions.
Here is my advice to you.
Call upon your family. Isn't that what we all do, when we need it? Call upon your family to help you. Tell them of your frustrations and fears. Tell them, your hands are tied and that you are bound. Express that your son needs help, but that you are not in a position to help him. Beg them to have Mercy.
I think that as parents we have an eternal responsibility to our children. I think that no matter what our children do, we need to do what we can, to help them find solace and peace.
There is no question that he has burned bridges and that he has made mistakes.
That is my advice. It might be skewed.
I just came upon your blog, and feel inspired to comment.
I have many friends, that have burned their bridges with me. They take and take and take. They never GIVE anything to me. But these people...I can write off, and move on.
I don't know all the details of your son's, past 10 + years. But how can your own flesh and blood "burn bridges" with you. He is your son!
Look back into the past. What has made him this way. There must have been a turning point.
Is there something you can do to give him a leg up so to speak?
Maybe let him stay with you with terms. ie...you have to get councling, you have to get a job, you have to be respectful, or you are out.
He's only 26. He still has time. You are his mother! Who else is going to save him. Do really think you could live with yourself if something really bad happened.
I don't know you or your son, but YOU HAVE TO HELP HIM.
Your son is HOMELESS!!! I guess I don't know the reasons for that..but you say he expects everyone to take care of him, if he has no money and no job, and nowhere to live, then he obviously NEEDS someone to take care of him, eevn if for a little while.
How do you get back on your feet with NO HELP?
Think about it.
My advice is to help him...with conditions. It sounds like maybe you've help him in the past, and you got slapped in the face.
But our children, I believe, ALWAYS deserve to be helped. And that as their mother's it is our privilege to swallow our own pride and heart ache, to be that help.
I am not able to have my son stay with me. Fisrt of all there is no space. Second of all because of his history, it is not allowed.
Lots of advice given here. The first things I thought of, if you are not in a position to help him or your extended family can't help, turn to the church. Let them help shoulder some of the weight and let them help your son get on his feet.
From what I have learned in life, I would just forgive him. Our children need our unconditional love. I know they do things but there is no such thing as a burnt bridge when it comes to your own kids.
I think we need to be able to forgive them and let go.
They need to know that we no longer hold a grudge or judge them for past mistakes. Even for giant, huge mistakes.
If we can't have charity for our own kids, nobody else will. That's for sure.
It is so hard to be a parent and I always wonder if my choices in rearing them are going to screw them up. I hope not. But as the parent, I think we need to be the first to apologize for our parts and be the bigger person. That's hard but do-able.
I would give that big boy of yours a huge hug and kiss his face and tell him you forgive him and that you love him. THAT alone will make a world of difference in his life.
Even if he doesn't respond to that, you can know that YOU are doing your part in healing the rift.
You are not alone in this situation, many families have the proverbial black sheep that has gone astray. We do.
Some choices are indeed "deal breakers"- even with family. I am not sure of the details of your particular situation, however I know in our family there are also facts that make reconciliations with family impossible.
My advice. Let go of what you cannot control, and do only those things that you can control. If your son needs to hit bottom before he finds his place, let him hit bottom. If he can find his place with the aid of professional help via county services/behavioural or mental health then encourage him to do so. How ever you decide to help, do not enable poor choices, negative life styles, or ill behaviours or the problem will escalate.
Your love can be unconditional without being enabling. He needs limits; and sometimes that is difficult. He needs love and sometimes that is harder. Family support can come in many ways. You can listen, help him sort out positive choices, keep in contact in a public setting; and many others.
Try to begin to forgive him so that your burden becomes lighter. Continue to be a parent and example. Let him know that when his behaviours and life fit within the family standards he can come back. Let him know the atonement works for everyone, and he is worth the work it takes to get back in good standing with everyone involved.
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